Heroes

There are many things that may hold us back from achieving the goals we aspire to have. We as people have many obstacles and challenges to tackle in order to have a solid core and base to support us. I struggle daily with the sins and troubles I have in my own life, and there are many methods and strategies I have used to overcome and to cope with these struggles. I have not overcame all my obstacles, and I am not an expert in my reasoning, but here are some of my struggler and methods I have used in my daily life.

My family has had a strong alcoholism trait throughout the years. My mother struggled with the bottle most of her life, but now she is twelve years sober. She is my motivation and inspiration for everything I do in my life. I know if she could overcome drinking, I could overcome my addiction to cocaine. It is a little embarassing to write about my addiction but I feel better writing about it, rather than talking to a counselor who is going to critique my every sentence. Writing is one of my outlets in keeping my mind occupied and away from thinking about getting high. I have always kept a journal or a diary, and wrote about my feelings and thoughts. I encourage every person to do this. I was a former Marine, and trust me, writing a journal is nothing to be considered “less manly.” Writing is a form of meditation and relaxation. By taking myself out of the hectic daily life by writing about a topic that distracts me from the busy life, I can find peace of mind for about ten to twenty minutes a day. This mediatation process helps me throughout my days to cope with the urges my inner demons have inside. I briefly stated my own personnal addiction with cocaine. This particular drug has ruined my life inside and out. All the hopes and dreams I once aspired to have as my own have now vanished. I wanted to serve others as an honorable Marine and the join the California Sheriff’s Department, but now those dreams are now a distant glimmering star far away. I have not let this let down consume my daily life and thoughts as I once did. I used to be obsessed with the thought I failed my family, country and friends. I only failed myself because those were my dreams I didn’t achieve. I struggled with the fact I needed to just let that go. Those things are all in the past. I still do not know how to exactly overcome my failures, and I struggle with my thoughts some days. In order to reassure myself that I am still a good man, and a good follower of Jesus, I remember memories in my life about things I have done that were successful, and helpfull to others. For example, when I was working for Pacific Gas and Electric, an older man’s car had broken down, and I had called AAA to help him have roadside assistance. I was working during the day, and I stopped what I was doing to call a tow truck for him. He offered to give me some money and I did not accept it. Instead, he said he would write me a letter and send it to me if I cordially gave him my address. I agreed, and when the letter arrived he had sent twenty dollars along with the note. The not read, “Thankyou for your hospitality. You have restored my faith in the waning human nature.” I still look at the note from time to time. I feel great when I read that letter, even though I may be having a bad day, or I am upset with myself for making poor desicions. I am still human, and I am going to make mistakes throughout my life.

The hard thing about overcoming a drug addiction is that the addiction never leaves. There is always a craving for it. Watching a movie about cocaine, for example “Scarface,” can lure me back into doing it, or thinking about doing it. i have to remind myself it isn’t how it is in the movies. It ultimately destroys lives. I was an All-city football player for Sacramento, California and it ruined my life. Drugs do not discriminate on any person for any reason. Drugs just destroy period. I have to recall the feeling of being up at 5:00 a.m. and going to work with circles under my eyes and zero hours of sleep. I need to remind myself how terrible I feel after flaking on family and friends because I was getting high the night before and I was going to be moody because I did not sleep. I even have to not pick up the phone sometimes because it is hard for me to say “no” when it comes to resisting cocaine. I wouold rather my friends call me a “flake” or a “pussy” than spend hundreds of dollars in a night and wasting another day of my life. At twenty-four years old, I am at the point in my life where I want to dictate what I do in my life. I want to be in control of my day. I want to free myself from drugs and alcohol and live a full life. Jut yesterday, I started living again. I walked down to the American River and spent half of my day there just walking and enjoying the sounds of life in the atmosphere. I saw a coyote, which is almost unheard of at the American River, a deer, and a baby fawn. There is life all over the place, and when I have been on drugs, i have missed the things that are going on around me. I need to be more aware of the world around me. Waking up in the morning and thinking I needed to by a bag of cocaine in order to jumo start my day was wrong. The first step to my recovery, without counselors and and medications, is within myself. I know I have a problem and always will. Recognizing I have a drug problem is the first realization to any drug or alcohol related course. Now, I just have to say “NO!”

Besdies drug problems, I have always had problems saving money. I like to spend money daily just having fun. I never really planned anything my whole life. Everytime I think of my not planning anything in my life, I think of the movie, “Cool Hand Luke.” Paul Newman said, “he never planned anything his entire life,” I need to start planning things in my life. I had a huge debt with credit cards. I would buy anything for my family so I could see a big smile on their faces. When I lost my job that paid about 68,000 dollars a year, I used my good credit, and six credit cards to live off of. Now, I am about 30,000 dollars in debt, without a job, and now facing the decision of bankruptcy. That is really my only choice is to claim bankruptcy. I do not think I could come up with the minumum payments of amlost 1,000 dollars!
I never used my check book, and I never calculated how much earnings I had in a given month. In order to fix my spending problems, I have my girlfriend manage our accounts. Well, having her almost solved the problem, but seriously I just write down everything i spent in a given day, and save my receipts, even my gas receipts. It can be easy to get away from methods and schedules because the daily life is very busy. I also write down a weekly planner to have an agenda of things I need to get accomplished over the week. I usually post the schedule on my wall, the fridge, or by the coffee machine, therefore I do not lose it. My last inner problem i have difficulty with overcoming is gambling and betting on sports games.

I have always loved sports since i have been growing up and I have always been in the better half of the athletes I played with and against. It is hard for me not to bet on sports when I know so much about every team in almost every sport. Just a few weeks ago, I won a 2,000 dollar bet on the Boston Celtics when they lost to L.A. in game three of the finals. When I bet on a game, I am stressed the whole time I bet because i can’t enjoy the game. I am worried that the spread is not going to be covered and It’s stressful until the final second has ticked away. I drive my friends nuts watching the game because I can’t even relax and sit down. My gambling habit grew extremely bad that I bet one thousand dollars on a game that I did not even have the money to cover the bet. I was that far in the whole that I needed to gamble just to come out even again. I play in fantasy sports as much as I can as well. I have not figured out a solution to gambling, and nor do I want to as of lately. I know gambling is a bad habit and it can be very controlling in a person’s life. I have always been good at what I do when it comes to gambling and I normally am ahead. i also know that you cannot be on top forever. Luck does run out, even when my skills for knowing the game are sharp I can still lose. There are variable when it comes to gambling. Humans are playing the game and there are always weather, injuries, and referees that may sku the games results. My expert analysis may not be enough at times. However, on a more serious note, gambling can lead to me drinking more during the game and or falling back into more old habits of doing cocaine while watching the game. Gambling, while beneficial to me monetarily, can also be detrimental to myself. Stressing over a game can lead to anxiety and yearning to surpress my nerves by drinking and taking my mind off the game. All my inner demons are linked into one when it comes to making the right choices. Winning bets can lead to me buying more drugs and further allowing myself to get into a financial hole. I need to stay focused and strong, and occupy my time with work, writing and even working out at the gym to stray my mind from bad activities. I hope you enjoyed reading this blog. I know these demons I have are very common with a lot of people, and if this has helped you I am glad. It helped me just by getting my thoughts down on paper. Demons can be overcome always. There is always support out there if you are willing to make the change.

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